World's Tallest Midget is over 5' 8" Tall (No small feat)
(Editor's note: Ms. Jessica Long has been living the life of a near recluse since the sensational disclosure revealing her fantasic condition. We have decided to let her words tell the story. What follows is an extract from a private interview with the Evolutionary Rag.)
"I had no idea I was a midget until my wedding day. My parents tearfully confessed that I was adopted from a circus sideshow midget that couldn't keep me because she was billing herself as the world's smallest man. They already had a world's smallest woman." ... "I tried to not let the fact that I'm a midget effect my first marrige, but it's so hard with all the publicity to lead a normal life. It's not easy being the world's tallest midget." ... "My first husband eventually sued for divorce based on incompatibilty." ... "But that's all behind me now, my new fiancee is so wonderful and understanding. He plans to convert and become a midget before our wedding this fall. I think that he may become the world's tallest male midget in which case I will become the world's tallest female midget. This should help to defuse some of the sensationalism." ... "All and all, I think that this has helped to make me a better person and to be more understanding of others that might be different."
MAN BITES DOG
Baines Falls, Idaho AP Newswire Services: A small man weighing just over 32 pounds bit a large gray Wire-Haired Terrier early this morning. At a press conference held at BardoTown(tm) County Offices, Sheriff Monty O'Herlihan gave this report:
"According to our best information, deputies have ascertained that at approximately 0300 hours yesterday morning, the suspect, a thirtyish male caucasian with no distinguishing marks, gave a few distinguishing marks of his own to a canine who, according to the owner's tag, is named "Daisy".
Daisy was rushed to Millard Fillmore Memorial College of Veterinary Medicine for treatment and observation, but was later released.
After six hours of intense questioning, BardoTown(tm) Sheriff O'Herlihan still had no explanation for the suspect's actions.
When questioned by this reporter, Sheriff O'Herlian repeated his earlier comment, "Listen, Bub--why don't we just forget the whole thing?"